I don't know how I didn't hear about this before today, but earlier this year, Cardiff University in Wales released a study that said that driving with a cold was the same as driving whilst massively drunk. According to the study, driving with a cold or bout of the flu is equivalent to "driving under the influence of four double whiskeys."
This is easily the most ludicrous thing that I have ever heard.
Last week, I drove to work with a mild sore throat and runny nose. It fit all the symptoms of the common cold. Despite this, I did not veer off of the road. Nobody was killed. After I exited my car, I was fully capable of walking into my office in a straight line. I did not slur my speech, nor did I text embarrassing things to people that I used to date. I had no craving for bad Mexican food. In short, my behavior was not that of a drunk person.
According to statistics provided by ABC News, there are about 500 million colds per year in the United States. So....there are 500 million instances of drunk driving that don't have any relation to alcohol per year in the USA? If this was even close to accurate, our streets would look like something from "The Road."
I have been forced to conclude that this is part of a Welsh strategy to curb CO2 emissions by getting fewer people to drive, thus providing a better climate for raising sheep, which is what one does in Wales. That is literally the only rational explanation for this study.
Friday, June 29, 2012
"The Ever Increasing Terrors of Government Regulation", or, "Why Driving is Doomed"
Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that "Obamacare" is indeed a constitutional program. This incensed those that think that the government should do nothing but build them park benches and stay the Hell out of their lives and it brought orgasmic delight to those that think that the government should regulate every last detail of their lives so that they can enjoy life to the fullest extent. As this blog strives to be apolitical, I'll endeavor not to comment on that. However, these developments have gotten me thinking about driving regulations.
Every year, it seems like there are new laws designed to create a safer road experience for everyone. On the surface, this is excellent. To be clear, I do not like crashing. Crashing is bad. Crashing is unhealthy. Especially if it involves injury. But is increased litigation the answer?
Frankly, I'm in favor of going in the opposite direction and raising freeway speed limits. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of fatal crashes occur on roads with speed limits of 30 mph or below. Why? Because people aren't paying attention. Think about this: would you be willing to text your cousin or turn back to pet Mr. Patches, the domesticated iguana that is sitting in a rear facing child seat in the back of your car, if you were hurtling down the road at 95 mph?
No. You would not. You would be clutching at the wheel like a kamikaze pilot and sweating profusely as you used every ounce of your concentration to not drive into the car in the next lane over.
The problem is, it's difficult to argue against the people in favor of increased litigation. I certainly won't be the person who has to tell a member of MADD that the cars that killed their children should be made to go faster or that drivers should be bound by fewer restrictive pieces of legislation.
This is why I believe that the joy will soon be sucked out of driving. As more and more people beg those in power to regulate the automotive world, the pure experience of driving will suffocate and die under the weight of 8 trillion new laws. Because it's impossible to say no.
Every year, it seems like there are new laws designed to create a safer road experience for everyone. On the surface, this is excellent. To be clear, I do not like crashing. Crashing is bad. Crashing is unhealthy. Especially if it involves injury. But is increased litigation the answer?
Frankly, I'm in favor of going in the opposite direction and raising freeway speed limits. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of fatal crashes occur on roads with speed limits of 30 mph or below. Why? Because people aren't paying attention. Think about this: would you be willing to text your cousin or turn back to pet Mr. Patches, the domesticated iguana that is sitting in a rear facing child seat in the back of your car, if you were hurtling down the road at 95 mph?
No. You would not. You would be clutching at the wheel like a kamikaze pilot and sweating profusely as you used every ounce of your concentration to not drive into the car in the next lane over.
The problem is, it's difficult to argue against the people in favor of increased litigation. I certainly won't be the person who has to tell a member of MADD that the cars that killed their children should be made to go faster or that drivers should be bound by fewer restrictive pieces of legislation.
This is why I believe that the joy will soon be sucked out of driving. As more and more people beg those in power to regulate the automotive world, the pure experience of driving will suffocate and die under the weight of 8 trillion new laws. Because it's impossible to say no.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
It's Like the Eurovision Contest But With Petrol: The Auto Intern's Easy Guide to European & Asian Automakers
Aston Martin: James Bond drives them. Most rational human beings salivate at the sight of them. Arguably some of the most gorgeous cars to currently grace the earth, Astons also have some legs on them as well. These cars go like Hell. Basically the perfect blend of luxury and performance....for a price.
Car to watch: Vanquish
Bentley: The cars made for dictators and pro soccer players, Bentley is currently undergoing an identity crisis. Cars like the Continental GT are roughly the size of the Death Star but also insist on trying to perform alongside the likes of Ferraris. Bentley needs to give up and just go back to making bulletproof limousines for people that deny food to their subjects.
Car to watch: EXP 9F (And pray to whatever God you believe in that it never, EVER gets made)
Jaguar: Jag is quickly evolving into Aston Martin's upstart little brother. Cheaper than modern Astons, but with the same looks, Jags now present a truly viable option in the performance luxury market.
Car to watch: F-Type
Land Rover: They make Range Rovers, which is all anyone really cares about. The Range Rover is arguably the best SUV in the world, bar none. You pay a lot, but you get a lot for your money as well. Don't count on these guys to go away any time soon.
Car to watch: Range Rover Evoque
Lotus: Lotus will go down in history as the legacy of the undoubtedly brilliant Colin Chapman. The revolutionary formula of "adding lightness" ushered in an entirely new school of automotive engineering. Unfortunately, the company has been plagued by financial and corporate problems in recent years. The brand's future is uncertain.
Car to watch: Eterne & Esprit
Mini Cooper: Love it or hate it, the Mini is certainly an icon. Although some question the car's shelf life, the recent redesigns have proven that people of all generations seem to love the small car. Frankly, it's easy to see why. Cheap, powerful, fun, and efficient, the Mini is a little bit of everything.
Car to watch: Mini Cooper S
Morgan: These are what cars should be. Achingly beautiful, handbuilt, powerful, and unique, Morgans are, in my opinion, the world's coolest cars. They look like a 1940's Jag, they drive like a modern BMW, and they go like an old Italian supercar. If you have the money, do yourself a favor and buy yourself a Morgan. You won't regret it.
Car to watch: Aerosports
Rolls Royce: I actually prefer old Rolls, as the new ones are a tad tasteless. That said, nothing makes a statement like a Rolls Royce. If a status symbol is what you want, look no further. Everyone will know that you are part of the one percent as you crush their welfare-dependent bones into a fine dust with the gravity field generated by these absurdly large cars.
Car to watch: Phantom
Volvo: Ah yes. Volvo. Many people might consider Volvo to be the most boring brand on Earth, but the company is making a serious effort to change that. The marque's foray into racing and the debut of some new, sportier models like the S60 are slowly changing Volvo's image for the better.
Car to watch: S60
Alfa Romeo: Although the Alfas of the past had the tendency to spontaneously combust when started (if they remembered to start) there is no denying that Alfas have soul, a trait that many new cars seriously lack. They also have some serious style. If you want a lesson in art, go look up the 8C. The brand's return to the USA will determine Alfa's future for quite some time.
Car to watch: Giulietta & 4C Coupe
Ferrari: Supercar royalty. Ferrari is the unchallenged champion of cool. Cars like the 458 Italia and upcoming Enzo successor set the bar for excellence across the automotive world. The only conceivable complaint that anyone could have is the company's increased reliance on computers and electronic driver aids that are leaving some drivers feeling increasingly isolated. That said, the Prancing Horse is still the undisputed king.
Car to watch: F70 (Enzo Successor)
Fiat: The only reason that Chrysler isn't gone, Fiat relies on youth culture, cute city cars, and excessive marketing to female 20somethings that live in Notting Hill. Most of the cars lack any real substance, case in point: Fiat 500. That said, Fiat's management of Chrysler has been spectacular.
Car to watch: Fiat 500 Abarth
Lamborghini: The former upstart tractor makers that gained notoriety through their sheer insanity are still going strong. In recent years, Volkswagen acquired Lambo, and that was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to the company. Now, the supercars are engineered by the Germans but styled by the Italians. This works well for all involved. It means that the cars aren't reduced the the bland executive boxes they would be if designed by the Germans and it means that the cars actually run, which they wouldn't if they were built by the Italians. This synthesis and general adherence to Lamborghini's original mad vision is putting the company is a position to legitimately topple Ferrari as the king of the supercars.
Car to watch: Aventador
Pagani: Few carmakers ever manage to break into the pantheon of supercar greatness. Arguably, only one has managed to do so in the last few years. Pagani accomplished this by closely studying the madness of Lamborghini and styling of Ferrari, and simply doing more. I believe that the general design process involves a famous painter being drugged out of his mind, placing him in a small room, and giving him a set of crayons and a huge amount of carbon fiber. Somehow, the cars look decent, at least on the outside. The interiors are predictably insane. The cars don't just get by on craziness though. Paganis are truly engineering marvels.
Car to watch: Huayra
Audi: Probably the best of the German manufacturers currently. Audi represents the performance of BMW melded with the class of Mercedes, but also lacks the annoyingly superior air that surrounds Mercedes and the hatred normally evoked by BMW. They are truly well built, fun, and cool cars.
Car to watch: R8 Etron & A7
BMW: The makers of arguably the best sports sedan on the planet, the M3, BMW also evokes an irrational feeling of loathing in most people as their cars are driven almost exclusively by pretentious fools. When this is combined with the ludicrous and impossible iDrive system, the cars quickly lose their appeal, which is a shame, considering their technical brilliance.
Car to watch: M3 (big surprise there.....)
Mercedes-Benz: The other big German luxury car company. Mercedes has the downside of a range of cars that are indistinguishable from each other. Mercedes has the upside of AMG, which turns what would otherwise be sedans driven by dentists into ludicrous, fire breathing monsters that melt the bones of those too weak to drive them.
Car to watch: C63 AMG
Porsche: Porsches don't make sense. Porsches have the laziest design on earth (the flagship 911 has not evolved since the Second World War). However, they also have some truly brilliant engineers, which have been able to prevent the cars from killing everything that steps within 10 feet with their stupid rear-mounted engines.
Car to watch: 911
Volkswagen: Sensible and dull in all facets except one: the Beetle. The only reason that the Beetle isn't dull is because it invokes surging hatred in most living creatures.
Car to watch: Scirrocco Diesel, Touareg
Hyundai: What used to be a second-rate Honda knockoff is now a legitimate force in the automotive world. Hyundai has some great design and they make extremely dependable products. The brand is also developing an increasingly sporty focus, which should help with marketing.
Car to watch: Genesis Coupe
Kia: The purveyor of sensible Korean hatchbacks, Kia is still struggling for a real toehold in the USA. That said, they make good cars. They may not be the most exciting thing on the road, but crucially, they are safe, cheap, reasonably reliable, and efficient.
Car to watch: Rio
Honda: Hondas were the height of cool...in 1987. Now, they are overengineered boxes that are guaranteed to suck your soul out through your mouth the second you take a seat in one. Mechanically, Hondas are great cars. That said, they have dated designs and woefully dull interiors that won't do anything to woo new customers.
Car to watch: NSX (2015)
Lexus: They try so, so hard to emulate BMW in every facet, and they consistently come up just short. This isn't a bad thing, necessarily. Lexus makes some good cars. The only truly great car that they make though, is the LFA. Unfortunately, the LFA is worth more than many Sub-Saharan countries, and is completely unattainable, even for many of the world's financial elite. Although the LFA isn't practical, it does represent a new, even more performance oriented, direction for the company.
Car to watch: LFA & Whatever it Spawns
Mazda: Whatever happened to 'Zoom Zoom'? Mazda has gone from being a maker of affordable, sporty little cars to a bloated and self-important company that lacks definition and uses terms like 'skyactiv' that simply illustrate how badly the company has lost touch with the market. It's a shame, because Mazda makes some great cars. Unfortunately, their brand image has grown stale, and they seem to be latching onto the innovations of other companies rather than developing their own.
Car to watch: CX5
Nissan: Nissan has quietly crept forward in the automotive world. Look around you the next time you drive on the highway. Try to count the Altimas that you see. Just try. Nissan isn't generally regarded as an incredibly desirable brand. That said, their rock-solid reliability and solid styling has helped Nissan become a viable alternative to other major brands. From cutting edge supercars to green electric cars, Nissan provides something for everyone, and crucially, they do it affordably Watch out for the major model refresh coming later this year, it could rocket Nissan to the forefront of the market.
Car to watch: GTR, Leaf
Subaru: Long known for their dependable hatchbacks and sedans, Subaru has officially conquered all facets of the automotive market with the introduction of the truly excellent BRZ. Subarus are generally cheap and will run until the end of time, as you can see here.
Car to watch: BRZ
Toyota: The world's largest car manufacturer has its title for a reason. The problem is, I have no idea what that reason might be. When they aren't accelerating uncontrollably and running over children, Toyotas sit in place looking boring and ugly. I would rather be gored by a bison than spend an appreciable amount of time inside of one. Regrettably, Toyota also gave us the Prius, which is universally acknowledged as a car that people drive so that other people think they're environmentally friendly.
Car to watch: Prius (unfortunately....)
Car to watch: Vanquish
Bentley: The cars made for dictators and pro soccer players, Bentley is currently undergoing an identity crisis. Cars like the Continental GT are roughly the size of the Death Star but also insist on trying to perform alongside the likes of Ferraris. Bentley needs to give up and just go back to making bulletproof limousines for people that deny food to their subjects.
Car to watch: EXP 9F (And pray to whatever God you believe in that it never, EVER gets made)
Jaguar: Jag is quickly evolving into Aston Martin's upstart little brother. Cheaper than modern Astons, but with the same looks, Jags now present a truly viable option in the performance luxury market.
Car to watch: F-Type
Land Rover: They make Range Rovers, which is all anyone really cares about. The Range Rover is arguably the best SUV in the world, bar none. You pay a lot, but you get a lot for your money as well. Don't count on these guys to go away any time soon.
Car to watch: Range Rover Evoque
Lotus: Lotus will go down in history as the legacy of the undoubtedly brilliant Colin Chapman. The revolutionary formula of "adding lightness" ushered in an entirely new school of automotive engineering. Unfortunately, the company has been plagued by financial and corporate problems in recent years. The brand's future is uncertain.
Car to watch: Eterne & Esprit
Mini Cooper: Love it or hate it, the Mini is certainly an icon. Although some question the car's shelf life, the recent redesigns have proven that people of all generations seem to love the small car. Frankly, it's easy to see why. Cheap, powerful, fun, and efficient, the Mini is a little bit of everything.
Car to watch: Mini Cooper S
Morgan: These are what cars should be. Achingly beautiful, handbuilt, powerful, and unique, Morgans are, in my opinion, the world's coolest cars. They look like a 1940's Jag, they drive like a modern BMW, and they go like an old Italian supercar. If you have the money, do yourself a favor and buy yourself a Morgan. You won't regret it.
Car to watch: Aerosports
Rolls Royce: I actually prefer old Rolls, as the new ones are a tad tasteless. That said, nothing makes a statement like a Rolls Royce. If a status symbol is what you want, look no further. Everyone will know that you are part of the one percent as you crush their welfare-dependent bones into a fine dust with the gravity field generated by these absurdly large cars.
Car to watch: Phantom
Volvo: Ah yes. Volvo. Many people might consider Volvo to be the most boring brand on Earth, but the company is making a serious effort to change that. The marque's foray into racing and the debut of some new, sportier models like the S60 are slowly changing Volvo's image for the better.
Car to watch: S60
Alfa Romeo: Although the Alfas of the past had the tendency to spontaneously combust when started (if they remembered to start) there is no denying that Alfas have soul, a trait that many new cars seriously lack. They also have some serious style. If you want a lesson in art, go look up the 8C. The brand's return to the USA will determine Alfa's future for quite some time.
Car to watch: Giulietta & 4C Coupe
Ferrari: Supercar royalty. Ferrari is the unchallenged champion of cool. Cars like the 458 Italia and upcoming Enzo successor set the bar for excellence across the automotive world. The only conceivable complaint that anyone could have is the company's increased reliance on computers and electronic driver aids that are leaving some drivers feeling increasingly isolated. That said, the Prancing Horse is still the undisputed king.
Car to watch: F70 (Enzo Successor)
Fiat: The only reason that Chrysler isn't gone, Fiat relies on youth culture, cute city cars, and excessive marketing to female 20somethings that live in Notting Hill. Most of the cars lack any real substance, case in point: Fiat 500. That said, Fiat's management of Chrysler has been spectacular.
Car to watch: Fiat 500 Abarth
Lamborghini: The former upstart tractor makers that gained notoriety through their sheer insanity are still going strong. In recent years, Volkswagen acquired Lambo, and that was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to the company. Now, the supercars are engineered by the Germans but styled by the Italians. This works well for all involved. It means that the cars aren't reduced the the bland executive boxes they would be if designed by the Germans and it means that the cars actually run, which they wouldn't if they were built by the Italians. This synthesis and general adherence to Lamborghini's original mad vision is putting the company is a position to legitimately topple Ferrari as the king of the supercars.
Car to watch: Aventador
Pagani: Few carmakers ever manage to break into the pantheon of supercar greatness. Arguably, only one has managed to do so in the last few years. Pagani accomplished this by closely studying the madness of Lamborghini and styling of Ferrari, and simply doing more. I believe that the general design process involves a famous painter being drugged out of his mind, placing him in a small room, and giving him a set of crayons and a huge amount of carbon fiber. Somehow, the cars look decent, at least on the outside. The interiors are predictably insane. The cars don't just get by on craziness though. Paganis are truly engineering marvels.
Car to watch: Huayra
Audi: Probably the best of the German manufacturers currently. Audi represents the performance of BMW melded with the class of Mercedes, but also lacks the annoyingly superior air that surrounds Mercedes and the hatred normally evoked by BMW. They are truly well built, fun, and cool cars.
Car to watch: R8 Etron & A7
BMW: The makers of arguably the best sports sedan on the planet, the M3, BMW also evokes an irrational feeling of loathing in most people as their cars are driven almost exclusively by pretentious fools. When this is combined with the ludicrous and impossible iDrive system, the cars quickly lose their appeal, which is a shame, considering their technical brilliance.
Car to watch: M3 (big surprise there.....)
Mercedes-Benz: The other big German luxury car company. Mercedes has the downside of a range of cars that are indistinguishable from each other. Mercedes has the upside of AMG, which turns what would otherwise be sedans driven by dentists into ludicrous, fire breathing monsters that melt the bones of those too weak to drive them.
Car to watch: C63 AMG
Porsche: Porsches don't make sense. Porsches have the laziest design on earth (the flagship 911 has not evolved since the Second World War). However, they also have some truly brilliant engineers, which have been able to prevent the cars from killing everything that steps within 10 feet with their stupid rear-mounted engines.
Car to watch: 911
Volkswagen: Sensible and dull in all facets except one: the Beetle. The only reason that the Beetle isn't dull is because it invokes surging hatred in most living creatures.
Car to watch: Scirrocco Diesel, Touareg
Hyundai: What used to be a second-rate Honda knockoff is now a legitimate force in the automotive world. Hyundai has some great design and they make extremely dependable products. The brand is also developing an increasingly sporty focus, which should help with marketing.
Car to watch: Genesis Coupe
Kia: The purveyor of sensible Korean hatchbacks, Kia is still struggling for a real toehold in the USA. That said, they make good cars. They may not be the most exciting thing on the road, but crucially, they are safe, cheap, reasonably reliable, and efficient.
Car to watch: Rio
Honda: Hondas were the height of cool...in 1987. Now, they are overengineered boxes that are guaranteed to suck your soul out through your mouth the second you take a seat in one. Mechanically, Hondas are great cars. That said, they have dated designs and woefully dull interiors that won't do anything to woo new customers.
Car to watch: NSX (2015)
Lexus: They try so, so hard to emulate BMW in every facet, and they consistently come up just short. This isn't a bad thing, necessarily. Lexus makes some good cars. The only truly great car that they make though, is the LFA. Unfortunately, the LFA is worth more than many Sub-Saharan countries, and is completely unattainable, even for many of the world's financial elite. Although the LFA isn't practical, it does represent a new, even more performance oriented, direction for the company.
Car to watch: LFA & Whatever it Spawns
Mazda: Whatever happened to 'Zoom Zoom'? Mazda has gone from being a maker of affordable, sporty little cars to a bloated and self-important company that lacks definition and uses terms like 'skyactiv' that simply illustrate how badly the company has lost touch with the market. It's a shame, because Mazda makes some great cars. Unfortunately, their brand image has grown stale, and they seem to be latching onto the innovations of other companies rather than developing their own.
Car to watch: CX5
Nissan: Nissan has quietly crept forward in the automotive world. Look around you the next time you drive on the highway. Try to count the Altimas that you see. Just try. Nissan isn't generally regarded as an incredibly desirable brand. That said, their rock-solid reliability and solid styling has helped Nissan become a viable alternative to other major brands. From cutting edge supercars to green electric cars, Nissan provides something for everyone, and crucially, they do it affordably Watch out for the major model refresh coming later this year, it could rocket Nissan to the forefront of the market.
Car to watch: GTR, Leaf
Subaru: Long known for their dependable hatchbacks and sedans, Subaru has officially conquered all facets of the automotive market with the introduction of the truly excellent BRZ. Subarus are generally cheap and will run until the end of time, as you can see here.
Car to watch: BRZ
Toyota: The world's largest car manufacturer has its title for a reason. The problem is, I have no idea what that reason might be. When they aren't accelerating uncontrollably and running over children, Toyotas sit in place looking boring and ugly. I would rather be gored by a bison than spend an appreciable amount of time inside of one. Regrettably, Toyota also gave us the Prius, which is universally acknowledged as a car that people drive so that other people think they're environmentally friendly.
Car to watch: Prius (unfortunately....)
'MERICA , or, "The Auto Intern's Easy Guide to American Automakers"
Buick: Almost exclusively driven by people with gout until quite recently, the Buick nameplate has experienced something of a revival. With a new lineup of surprisingly luxurious and sporty vehicles at competitive prices, look for Buick to experience a small revival, especially once the Verano Turbo becomes widely available.
Car to watch: Verano Turbo
Cadillac: The former luxury barge of the elderly, Cadillac is clawing away a share of the performance luxury market from BMW and Mercedes. Truly great engineering and a marketing campaign seemingly authored by God has contributed to the massive revival of a brand once given up for dead. Expect even more great things in the next few years.
Car to watch: CTS-V Coupe
Chevrolet: Baseball, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet. Once synonymous with America, the venerable automaker can't seem to decide what it is. Does Chevy make trucks? Cars? Biplanes? It's difficult to tell from their marketing and their cars have lacked definition recently. The brand does seem to have big things on the horizon though, and its return to racing is bringing back some much needed prestige.
Car to watch: SS
Chrysler: Chrysler as we knew it is dead. Risen from the ashes of Chrysler is basically the American arm of Fiat. This in itself isn't a huge problem. Every since the company was restructured, product quality has increased dramatically. While I still wouldn't buy a Chrysler, the marque has improved to an outstanding degree.
Car to watch: Alfa Romeo Giulietta (Yes, I know it's technically not a Chrysler, but it will basically be sold as one in the USA)
Dodge: The purveyor of cheap muscle cars has made one of the largest contributions to the auto industry of the last year with the reintroduction of the Dodge/SRT Viper supercar. Although the snake is still undergoing testing, early figures suggest that it will give the flashy European supercars cause for some serious concern.
Car to watch: SRT Viper
Fisker: The more attractive, exclusive, and expensive version of Tesla, Fisker hopes to lead the way into a more sustainable automotive future. Unfortunately, the company's halo car, the Karma, has been plagued by bad press and technical difficulties (something about it spontaneously bursting into flames) that have cast a dark shadow over the marque. Personally, I would really like to see Fisker succeed. Unfortunately, we can't rely on internal combustion forever, and Fisker made some serious strides in the field of alternate energy. Also, the Fisker design studio is like no other and the Karma and Atlantic are arguably two of the year's most attractive cars.
Car to watch: Karma
Ford: My pick of the American marques, Ford really has something for everyone. From the Mustang, arguably one of the most iconic cars ever, to the new Fusion, which looks like a downsized DB9, Ford makes quality machines that do their job with a certain swagger that you won't find on other American cars. Thanks to the OneFord global initiative, model lineups are being boosted and this allows Ford to provide a car for literally any type of person.
Car to watch: Mustang (2015) & Fusion
Jeep: Jeeps are quintessentially cool. There is really no argument to be made. Recent technical improvements have given some models better gas mileage, which makes them a bit more practical. Nothing more to be said.
Car to watch: Grand Cherokee
Lincoln: Ford's luxury arm needs serious help. Although Lincolns are fine cars, they look little different from the Fords that they are based on and they suffer from a dull image. There is an almost universal consensus that driving a bathtub filled with Elmer's Glue is a more invigorating experience. Lincoln needs to innovate or die.
Car to watch: MKS
Scion: The brand originally meant to appeal to spiky haired millenials is now facing a serious problem: the brand's entire target market finds them uninspiring and boring. The new FRS has flashes of brilliance, but it's only one car. A total lineup reinvention is necessary if this brand wants to renew its appeal.
Car to watch: FRS
Tesla: The first company to try to produce a feasible electric supercar, they have been eclipsed in every conceivable way by Fisker. The company is now facing some serious financial problems and is counting on a halo car to boost sales.
Car to watch: Model S
Car to watch: Verano Turbo
Cadillac: The former luxury barge of the elderly, Cadillac is clawing away a share of the performance luxury market from BMW and Mercedes. Truly great engineering and a marketing campaign seemingly authored by God has contributed to the massive revival of a brand once given up for dead. Expect even more great things in the next few years.
Car to watch: CTS-V Coupe
Chevrolet: Baseball, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet. Once synonymous with America, the venerable automaker can't seem to decide what it is. Does Chevy make trucks? Cars? Biplanes? It's difficult to tell from their marketing and their cars have lacked definition recently. The brand does seem to have big things on the horizon though, and its return to racing is bringing back some much needed prestige.
Car to watch: SS
Chrysler: Chrysler as we knew it is dead. Risen from the ashes of Chrysler is basically the American arm of Fiat. This in itself isn't a huge problem. Every since the company was restructured, product quality has increased dramatically. While I still wouldn't buy a Chrysler, the marque has improved to an outstanding degree.
Car to watch: Alfa Romeo Giulietta (Yes, I know it's technically not a Chrysler, but it will basically be sold as one in the USA)
Dodge: The purveyor of cheap muscle cars has made one of the largest contributions to the auto industry of the last year with the reintroduction of the Dodge/SRT Viper supercar. Although the snake is still undergoing testing, early figures suggest that it will give the flashy European supercars cause for some serious concern.
Car to watch: SRT Viper
Fisker: The more attractive, exclusive, and expensive version of Tesla, Fisker hopes to lead the way into a more sustainable automotive future. Unfortunately, the company's halo car, the Karma, has been plagued by bad press and technical difficulties (something about it spontaneously bursting into flames) that have cast a dark shadow over the marque. Personally, I would really like to see Fisker succeed. Unfortunately, we can't rely on internal combustion forever, and Fisker made some serious strides in the field of alternate energy. Also, the Fisker design studio is like no other and the Karma and Atlantic are arguably two of the year's most attractive cars.
Car to watch: Karma
Ford: My pick of the American marques, Ford really has something for everyone. From the Mustang, arguably one of the most iconic cars ever, to the new Fusion, which looks like a downsized DB9, Ford makes quality machines that do their job with a certain swagger that you won't find on other American cars. Thanks to the OneFord global initiative, model lineups are being boosted and this allows Ford to provide a car for literally any type of person.
Car to watch: Mustang (2015) & Fusion
Jeep: Jeeps are quintessentially cool. There is really no argument to be made. Recent technical improvements have given some models better gas mileage, which makes them a bit more practical. Nothing more to be said.
Car to watch: Grand Cherokee
Lincoln: Ford's luxury arm needs serious help. Although Lincolns are fine cars, they look little different from the Fords that they are based on and they suffer from a dull image. There is an almost universal consensus that driving a bathtub filled with Elmer's Glue is a more invigorating experience. Lincoln needs to innovate or die.
Car to watch: MKS
Scion: The brand originally meant to appeal to spiky haired millenials is now facing a serious problem: the brand's entire target market finds them uninspiring and boring. The new FRS has flashes of brilliance, but it's only one car. A total lineup reinvention is necessary if this brand wants to renew its appeal.
Car to watch: FRS
Tesla: The first company to try to produce a feasible electric supercar, they have been eclipsed in every conceivable way by Fisker. The company is now facing some serious financial problems and is counting on a halo car to boost sales.
Car to watch: Model S
Kartoffelsalat ist lecker, or, "I Don't Speak German and I Advise Buying American."
What comes to mind when you think of German engineering? It's probably something along the lines of "reliable", "well-built", "fast", and "precise." For years, these have been the reasons that compelled people to buy German luxury cars. This obviously made sense as, for several decades, most American cars were mass produced death machines that would fall apart after their first 10,000 miles.
But that is all in the past. Today, companies like Ford are gaining traction on their platforms of safety, reliability and, most crucially, fun. It's hard to deny the appeal of a car named Fiesta, especially when it's compared to one named 128i. The first one sounds like something that would have lots of piñatas. The second sounds like a chemotherapy drug.
And this is the most important detail. American cars are now just as good as their German and Japanese counterparts. But crucially, American cars now have something that the foreigners lack. A sense of fun.
At this point, you might be shaking your head and asserting that the Americans just aren't up to par yet. I would disagree. M3? Meet the new Chevrolet SS. Bugatti Veyron? Meet the Shelby Tuatara. Lamborghini Aventador? The upcoming Corvette can teach you a thing or two. Range Rover? Thanks, but I'll pay half the price for a Jeep that looks just as good and works the same. C63 AMG? Just give me a Shelby Mustang. Koenigsegg Agera R? I raise you one Hennessey Venom GT, and so on and so forth.
I truthfully don't know if American cars will ever regain the total dominance that they enjoyed post-WWII. However, I do know that these cars are now just as good as their European and Asian counterparts and you should give some serious consideration to them if you're in the market for a new car.
But that is all in the past. Today, companies like Ford are gaining traction on their platforms of safety, reliability and, most crucially, fun. It's hard to deny the appeal of a car named Fiesta, especially when it's compared to one named 128i. The first one sounds like something that would have lots of piñatas. The second sounds like a chemotherapy drug.
And this is the most important detail. American cars are now just as good as their German and Japanese counterparts. But crucially, American cars now have something that the foreigners lack. A sense of fun.
At this point, you might be shaking your head and asserting that the Americans just aren't up to par yet. I would disagree. M3? Meet the new Chevrolet SS. Bugatti Veyron? Meet the Shelby Tuatara. Lamborghini Aventador? The upcoming Corvette can teach you a thing or two. Range Rover? Thanks, but I'll pay half the price for a Jeep that looks just as good and works the same. C63 AMG? Just give me a Shelby Mustang. Koenigsegg Agera R? I raise you one Hennessey Venom GT, and so on and so forth.
I truthfully don't know if American cars will ever regain the total dominance that they enjoyed post-WWII. However, I do know that these cars are now just as good as their European and Asian counterparts and you should give some serious consideration to them if you're in the market for a new car.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Driver's Training, or, "Why the Swedes Will Take Over the World"
Ah driver's training. The one class where, no matter how academically useless you are, you can still pass by showing up. Here in America, we take great pride in putting people with absolutely zero meaningful training on the roads. Don't believe me? Watch an episode of the show Cops and tell me that we have a good driver's training system.
In most areas of the United States, you can start driving (in a limited manner) when you are 14 years and 9 months old. Most states will give you a full license at the age of 16. In the intervening months, you simply have to complete two classroom education segments, often "taught" by an obese elderly man that likes to play videos that explain in mind-numbing detail why crashing is bad, log 50 hours of driving, pass a written test, and get an instructor to sign off on a road test that includes impossibly difficult tasks such as parallel parking, a task which could most likely be completed by a hydrocephallic iguana, and not veering out of your lane whilst travelling down the highway.
If you explained this process to someone from Sweden, they would stare at you shocked, offer you some meatballs, assemble a table, and then be confused a bit more. You see, in Sweden, a license cannot be obtained until a driver is 18 years of age. The 18 year old in question must pass an absolutely brutal theory test, and complete multiple driving tests that simulate every type of road condition imaginable. Students are taken out onto a skidpad. Students do the slalom in the snow. Students are taught how to drive.
Between this skill and the corporate domination of Ikea, I fear that the Swedes may soon take their place at the head of a terrifying new world order. All will eat meatballs, complete transactions with the krona, and fill their homes with preassembled couch sets. Wait, is this a bad thing?
In most areas of the United States, you can start driving (in a limited manner) when you are 14 years and 9 months old. Most states will give you a full license at the age of 16. In the intervening months, you simply have to complete two classroom education segments, often "taught" by an obese elderly man that likes to play videos that explain in mind-numbing detail why crashing is bad, log 50 hours of driving, pass a written test, and get an instructor to sign off on a road test that includes impossibly difficult tasks such as parallel parking, a task which could most likely be completed by a hydrocephallic iguana, and not veering out of your lane whilst travelling down the highway.
If you explained this process to someone from Sweden, they would stare at you shocked, offer you some meatballs, assemble a table, and then be confused a bit more. You see, in Sweden, a license cannot be obtained until a driver is 18 years of age. The 18 year old in question must pass an absolutely brutal theory test, and complete multiple driving tests that simulate every type of road condition imaginable. Students are taken out onto a skidpad. Students do the slalom in the snow. Students are taught how to drive.
Between this skill and the corporate domination of Ikea, I fear that the Swedes may soon take their place at the head of a terrifying new world order. All will eat meatballs, complete transactions with the krona, and fill their homes with preassembled couch sets. Wait, is this a bad thing?
The Proliferation of Sensory Deprivation Hellboxes for Obese People With No Taste, or, "A Tale of Luxury Crossovers"
It seems like the news has been filled of late with announcements from luxury companies announcing their forays into the market of sporty SUV's and crossovers. In itself, this isn't a terrible thing. I really don't care if Infiniti comes out with a crossover for soccer mom's. What I do care about is the sudden rise in "performance" SUV's from companies like Porsche, Lamborghini, and Bentley. It seems just fundamentally wrong that Lamborghini, a company that made its name producing cars that literally scream "EVIL" at you is now producing a "Luxury Performance Ute." This feels like a betrayal.
This however pales in comparison to the real problem here. These vehicles just don't make sense. They are marketed toward people with no taste, enormous egos, and too much money. Why the Hell would I ever want to travel through the Australian Outback at 180 mph? Why would I want an SUV, a vehicle that should be used for hauling large things in the outdoors, to be filled with hand sewn Italian leather and petrified wood? And don't get me started on the looks. Take this concept Bentley that was unveiled recently.
This however pales in comparison to the real problem here. These vehicles just don't make sense. They are marketed toward people with no taste, enormous egos, and too much money. Why the Hell would I ever want to travel through the Australian Outback at 180 mph? Why would I want an SUV, a vehicle that should be used for hauling large things in the outdoors, to be filled with hand sewn Italian leather and petrified wood? And don't get me started on the looks. Take this concept Bentley that was unveiled recently.
I would prefer to have many things instead of this Bentley. Making an appearance on that list are things like Polio. It's ugly on a biblical scale, and the people that design it should be made to stare at it for the rest of their natural lives as penance for their crimes.
So there you have it. These cars are hideous, betray their companies' most loyal customers, and don't really serve any purpose. Oh, and they will all cost you in the 6-figure range.....I'll stick with my Saturn for now.
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