"Let's All Connect to Facetube," or, "The Rise of the Infotainment System."

Today, Ford announced that it will fix its infotainment system, "MyFord Touch." This pronouncement was initiated following recent Consumer Reports surveys that (I'm paraphrasing here) declared that Ford's infotainment system was less intuitive than complex integration calculus and less attractive than a decomposing corpse. Plainly, this was not good news.

Oh...This looks.....fun?

But here's a crucial fact. All infotainment systems are awful. Trying to use satnav in a Honda is comparable to playing the first edition of Zelda on a Super Nintendo. It was revolutionary when Clinton was in office, but now it's a bit sad to be honest.

He knows what's up.

And unfortunately, it's only going to get worse. Recently, Autoblog broke the news that Apple would be adding a Siri button to the upcoming vehicles of several major manufacturers. For those of you that live under a rock or are above the age of 76, Siri is the all-knowing robotic assistant that comes with all new iPhones. Sort of like Stanley Kubrick's Hal, but female.

Humanity is obsolete. Thanks for that one Steve Jobs.

Everyone seems to think that this is an amazing development. Everyone except me. I personally believe that these developments are roughly equivalent to the arrival of the antichrist.

Hello, my name is Damien, and I drive a Honda Civic.

More technology means more distracted driving. More distracted driving means that more people will be killed on the roads. This means that we will need more safety technology. This means that cars will get heavier and more unwieldy. This means that driving will lose much of its appeal. This is bad.

As I've said before, I'm a huge fan of a stripped down, no-frills driving experience. And I'm terrified that this is dying out.

“It shall be the Source of All Things, or, How Much is Too Much?”

As I’ve previously stated, I think that there are some odd things going on in the world of automotive design. One of most notable is also one of the most understandable. I’m talking about the “go anywhere, do anything” phenomenon that seems to be cropping up in new designs.

This phenomenon takes the notion of “market segments,” shreds it, and then throws it to a group of wolves that haven’t eaten in 6 weeks for disposal.

Final Destination for the Market Segment.

A prime example is the new Nissan Quest minivan. Let’s be clear, this is a minivan. A machine designed to allow a young mother to cart around 3 children, a load of groceries, and several dogs at once and with great economy. That’s all it’s supposed to do.

A Somewhat Liberal Interpretation of the Concept.

So, you can imagine the confusion now that Nissan has unveiled the newest iteration of the Quest.

Here was a minivan that claimed to be the start of a new chapter in the grand tale of minivans. Here was a minivan that promised classic hauling capacity along with unprecedented levels of luxury and sumptuous comfort. In short, Nissan tried to break the mold and satisfy everyone.

And it failed. Horribly. Cataclysmically.

Mere words cannot describe the awful nature of the Quest. That said, I will endeavor to do so anyway.

First, let’s start with the exterior. There’s no other way to say this. It appears to have been designed by someone that at some point lost the gift of sight. I mean, honestly, what were they thinking? The mirrors are straight off of a delivery van. The body has a Janus-like split identity. The front looks like a minivan and the back looks like a small truck. The fusion is spectacularly awful.

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Image courtesy of the NY Times.

My Labrador saw a picture of this car on my computer and was promptly sick.

The interior isn’t much better. The steering is a bit numb and the button configurations and total layout appear to have been drawn up for a driver with several tentacles and a complete lack of spatial awareness. Most notably, silence, the most important hallmark of any luxury car (or any car designed to take many people a long way) is utterly and completely absent. The shocking amount of road noise would convince a blindfolded passenger that they were in New Orleans, circa 2004.

It's Sort of Like This, But Louder.

The car is awful. Biblically awful. And this is because it tries too hard to satisfy everyone. There is a reason that there are market segments. There is a reason that people buy cars with different priorities in mind. The Nissan Quest is a perfect example of the horrors that result when a company tries too hard to please everyone. They please nobody.

"Burning Rubber or Perhaps Conserving it for the Drive Home," or, "What is a Driver's Car?"

Several days ago, I was out at a track running some tests for work. There was a retinue of beautiful cars that each cost about half a million dollars and there was a Fiat 500 that we were using to kart around cameras and testing gear.

My Trusty Steed.

At one point, I had to hop into the little Fiat to move a group of tripods to the other side of the track. I followed a coworker in a V12 Aston Martin onto the track, expecting to immediately be left in his dust as his performance-bred machine employed the 510 horses that were crammed under its hood and sped away. I was right. He was completely out of sight within 15 seconds.

Fire Breathing Track Dragon. Also Comes in Blue.

However, when we exited our cars at the destination point a few minutes later, he was dripping with sweat and looked unbearably tense. I, on the other hand, was grinning ear to ear and laughing madly. Somehow, I was the one who enjoyed the drive more.

This got me thinking: what really is a driver's car?

Companies have tried to convince us that the best cars to drive are those that produce enough power to level Hiroshima again and enough torque to spin the Earth in a counterclockwise manner when they accelerate. They are wrong. These are not the best cars. The reality is, you can never actually use this power. Naught to 60 in 2.8 seconds? Why should that matter? When do you ever have to go from a standstill to 60 mph? 50 to 80, aka what you do when you merge onto the freeway, is a much more important number. Ergo, cars with gratuitous amounts of power are out.

This Goes 260 MPH. It Is Also Immensely Stupid.

Besides, if you purchase one of these cars, what you are telling the world is that your penis is a bit too small. Soon, you will get into arguments with other people with foreshortened penises about the horsepower in their cars, and then you'll end up getting in a fistfight over your penises. As you've both been taking Viagra, you will die of an exploded heart mid-fight, and your bodies will be found in an embarrassing position. Don't have this happen. Don't buy a car with a stupid engine.

Others will say that extremely expensive bespoke cars made from ridiculous and exclusive things like myrrh, redwood, and Elton John's pubes are the best cars. Why simply drive around in a Ford Fusion when you can waft about in a Rolls Royce, laughing at the misfortune of the poor 99 percenters that don't have their transmission fluid replaced with Chablis and their steering wheel leather replaced with penguin hide? The reality is, again, that these cars are immensely stupid. Unlike cars with big engines, which just signify your unfortunate lack in the gentleman's region, these cars cause people to actively hate you.

Feel the Hatred Rise Within You Young Skywalker.

The reality is, the absolute best drivers cars are little roadsters like this, the Mazda MX 5.

The Mazda doesn't have a large amount of power, it doesn't have a rock-hard suspension, it's filled with plastic, and there are no penguins. It costs about $24,000, and it's excellent.

This is What Fun Looks Like.

This is because the people at Mazda know the truth. Driving becomes fun when you do it at the limit. The limit of an Aston Martin's performance, that moment right before it slides off of the road, hits a tree, and incinerates you, is impossibly high. Nobody but a highly trained race driver can even come close to approaching it.

On the other hand, the limit of an MX 5 is quite low. Ergo, driving around town, you can have the top down, the wind in your hair, the sunlight on your face, and the feeling of perfect synthesis between man and machine, even though you're really only doing 45 down your best friend's twisty backroad. Because really, that's what this is all about.