"Burning Rubber or Perhaps Conserving it for the Drive Home," or, "What is a Driver's Car?"

Several days ago, I was out at a track running some tests for work. There was a retinue of beautiful cars that each cost about half a million dollars and there was a Fiat 500 that we were using to kart around cameras and testing gear.

My Trusty Steed.

At one point, I had to hop into the little Fiat to move a group of tripods to the other side of the track. I followed a coworker in a V12 Aston Martin onto the track, expecting to immediately be left in his dust as his performance-bred machine employed the 510 horses that were crammed under its hood and sped away. I was right. He was completely out of sight within 15 seconds.

Fire Breathing Track Dragon. Also Comes in Blue.

However, when we exited our cars at the destination point a few minutes later, he was dripping with sweat and looked unbearably tense. I, on the other hand, was grinning ear to ear and laughing madly. Somehow, I was the one who enjoyed the drive more.

This got me thinking: what really is a driver's car?

Companies have tried to convince us that the best cars to drive are those that produce enough power to level Hiroshima again and enough torque to spin the Earth in a counterclockwise manner when they accelerate. They are wrong. These are not the best cars. The reality is, you can never actually use this power. Naught to 60 in 2.8 seconds? Why should that matter? When do you ever have to go from a standstill to 60 mph? 50 to 80, aka what you do when you merge onto the freeway, is a much more important number. Ergo, cars with gratuitous amounts of power are out.

This Goes 260 MPH. It Is Also Immensely Stupid.

Besides, if you purchase one of these cars, what you are telling the world is that your penis is a bit too small. Soon, you will get into arguments with other people with foreshortened penises about the horsepower in their cars, and then you'll end up getting in a fistfight over your penises. As you've both been taking Viagra, you will die of an exploded heart mid-fight, and your bodies will be found in an embarrassing position. Don't have this happen. Don't buy a car with a stupid engine.

Others will say that extremely expensive bespoke cars made from ridiculous and exclusive things like myrrh, redwood, and Elton John's pubes are the best cars. Why simply drive around in a Ford Fusion when you can waft about in a Rolls Royce, laughing at the misfortune of the poor 99 percenters that don't have their transmission fluid replaced with Chablis and their steering wheel leather replaced with penguin hide? The reality is, again, that these cars are immensely stupid. Unlike cars with big engines, which just signify your unfortunate lack in the gentleman's region, these cars cause people to actively hate you.

Feel the Hatred Rise Within You Young Skywalker.

The reality is, the absolute best drivers cars are little roadsters like this, the Mazda MX 5.

The Mazda doesn't have a large amount of power, it doesn't have a rock-hard suspension, it's filled with plastic, and there are no penguins. It costs about $24,000, and it's excellent.

This is What Fun Looks Like.

This is because the people at Mazda know the truth. Driving becomes fun when you do it at the limit. The limit of an Aston Martin's performance, that moment right before it slides off of the road, hits a tree, and incinerates you, is impossibly high. Nobody but a highly trained race driver can even come close to approaching it.

On the other hand, the limit of an MX 5 is quite low. Ergo, driving around town, you can have the top down, the wind in your hair, the sunlight on your face, and the feeling of perfect synthesis between man and machine, even though you're really only doing 45 down your best friend's twisty backroad. Because really, that's what this is all about.