"Give it Guns...and Vampire Bats," or, "Let's Head Back to Design School."

The past year has been huge for Italy’s fourth most recognizable export (after Ferrari, debt, and the Prime Minister’s prostitutes.) That’s right. I'm talking Lamborghini.

2012 saw the mainstream production of Lambo’s new flagship supercar, the Aventador, and what a car it is. With its vicious lines, starter button that was lifted from a fighter jet, and glorious noise, the Aventador was able to make an immediate splash in the automotive world. Just last week the company celebrated the sale of model 1000.

Audi Takes Italy. Kourtney and Kim Unavailable for Comment.

Much of this success is down to Lambo’s parent company Audi. Although Lamborghinis have always had radical, eye-catching styling, before they were bought out by Audi they never really…uh, how to put this delicately…worked.

This is because they were designed, engineered, and constructed completely by the Italians. Consequently, they would sit in your drive looking menacing and furious and when you decided that you wanted to hit the road, they would refuse to start. All attempts to remedy this usually led to the car exploding in an enormous inferno of death and despair.

Many people, including me, were very pleased when Audi unveiled these newest models. Designed by the Germans (so they work) and styled by the Italians (so that they have some personality) the new cars seemed to be perfect.

However, I saw a Lamborghini on the street yesterday, and I’m quite afraid that I’ve completely changed my mind. This is because a Lamborghini shouldn’t work properly. Ever.

This is for the same reason that you must never order a Lambo in a color that is not Fluorescent Orange or Lime Green. Unless you’re George W. Bush. His is, admittedly, okay.

Black on Black on Patriot Act

Ultimately, Lambos are far too ostentatious and preposterous to be treated as normal, functioning cars. The vulgarity and excess of a Lamborghini is the entire point. I find a person that is driving down the road at 45 mph in a Lambo to be positively yawn-inducing. What they should be doing is going 1500 mph. Backwards. On fire. Screaming.

Old Fashioned Lamborghini-ist.
Image From Google

This is why, if I were to go out and buy a Lambo today, money being no object, I would seriously consider an older model. They weren’t encumbered by German precision and brilliance. They were utterly mad. If you walked up to a Lambo designer in 1980 and suggested that the next model be outfitted with machine guns instead of headlamps and vampire bats instead of an engine, he would most assuredly nod sagely and give the matter some serious thought.

Sure, it wouldn’t work worth a damn, but then again, that’s not really the point is it?