Ferraris, Lamborghinis and Swiss People, Oh My: The Return of the Auto Intern

I will begin this post with a heartfelt apology to you, dear Slovenian reader. Google analytics tells me that you comprise an increasing share of my readership and I haven't updated this blog in roughly five months. Well, fret no longer, because readers in Ljubljana and perhaps even some Western cities can go back to enjoying (read: screaming furiously at) my automotive commentary.

I could list the reasons for my lengthy absence, but research tells me that we live in a visual society and that none of you have the attention span to read something as prosaic as a list, so I've provided some visual representation of my activities.

Yep that was basically it. Either that or exams. Not entirely sure. Can't remember.

But now it's time to delve into the reason for this post: Geneva.

Geneva is a gorgeous Swiss city that sits nestled at the foot of the Alps. It is one of the world's most important financial centers and has gained some renown for manufacturing hideous watches. 

This will make women think that I have large, fully functioning genitalia! I just know it!

But each March, as Winter recedes back to the mountains and the flowers bloom, Geneva is home to a very special event: The Geneva Motor Show. How special you ask? Well, Porsche, Lamborghini, and Ferrari all chose this event to roll out new models. We also got to see the convertible Corvette Stingray, the new Golf, and some great new prototypes. So, all in all, important event.

Let's start with the Golf, as that's what most of you don't care about. It's a basically the exact same thing as the old Golf, but it offers a much wider variety of powertrain options that lead to better fuel economy. That's about it. Oh, and odds are good that it will only be available in Europe for the time being. That's good for you industrious lads in Slovenia, but bad for the majority of my readership, which is still American.

Check yourself VW.

The Lambo is much more interesting. It appears as though the design studio finally took Audi's memos to keep it safe, mildly interesting, and rather normal and fed it to the army of vampire bats that they secretly keep in the basement. This car would not look out of place with some Bond-esque torpedos. It would not surprise me if it released fireballs every time you open the doors. I would be stunned if it was powered by anything other than a dying star. Quite simply, it is an amazing throwback to the insane Lamborghinis of old.

No caption is really necessary. 

Simply astonishing.

Now, this segways very nicely into the new Ferrari. Typically, the Italian supercar manufacturers are...a bit competitive. By that, I mean that Enzo Ferrari and Ferrucio Lamborghini's meetings over cocktails used to go something like this...

Sound business practice.

And by "something like this," I mean "exactly like this." So, it goes to reason that the latest Ferrari should be even more insane, even more rabid, even more completely unhinged than the latest Lambo right?

Eh, not exactly. Let's start with the name. Ferrari's new offering has been gracefully titled, La Ferrari. Yep. That's it. They had the entire developed world breathing down their necks, waiting with irrepressible excitement for the successor to the famous Enzo, and the gave us La Ferrari. The name of their company, with a "la" tacked on. For those of you who aren't fluent in Italian, Spanish, or any other language that loves to place the letter "L" in all of their articles, let me enlighten you as to the translation of this name. "La Ferrari" is translated to English as "The Ferrari."

Now, Ferrari has been very hit or miss with its naming conventions ever since it debuted the Scuderia (Team) in 2004.  Ferrari has produced some great names, such as the F12 Berlinetta, but this definitely falls under the "Why Even Bother" category. This was unveiled on the same day as a rival company produced a car called "Veneno." That brings to mind images of snakebites, adventure, poison, and death. "La Ferrari" calls to mind images of a slightly depressed, overweight man named Ricardo sitting in a cramped cubicle in the bowels of a Ferrari satellite facility who has been made to generate a name before he heads home to hang himself.

Good idea guys. Put Milton in charge of naming a multimillion dollar flagship model.

Don't get me wrong, the La Ferrari has some amazing technology under the hood. It's the first car to employ the HYKERS system, which pairs an electric motor with a gasoline motor to create a hybrid supercar. The electric motor not only allows for better fuel economy and increased range, but it also provides a stratospheric amount of torque off the line, which enable this car to go from 0-60 in well under 3 seconds. For those of you who don't grasp the significance of that number, know that it will basically peel the skin off of your face if you floor it from a standstill.

...to this.

Your face goes from this...

Remarkable stuff, no doubt. But the rest of it is a bit...lacking. It hits a top speed of 205 mph. That's 3 mph more than the current Ferrari 458, which costs significantly less. The design is relatively pleasant. Some aspects, such as the sloped roof, are a clear homage to departed Italian designer Sergio Pininfarina. Those aspects are incredible. But the rest just appears to be recycled from old Ferrari bits.

For a company that claims to be the vanguard of automotive brilliance, that's a bit annoying.

"Give it Guns...and Vampire Bats," or, "Let's Head Back to Design School."

The past year has been huge for Italy’s fourth most recognizable export (after Ferrari, debt, and the Prime Minister’s prostitutes.) That’s right. I'm talking Lamborghini.

2012 saw the mainstream production of Lambo’s new flagship supercar, the Aventador, and what a car it is. With its vicious lines, starter button that was lifted from a fighter jet, and glorious noise, the Aventador was able to make an immediate splash in the automotive world. Just last week the company celebrated the sale of model 1000.

Audi Takes Italy. Kourtney and Kim Unavailable for Comment.

Much of this success is down to Lambo’s parent company Audi. Although Lamborghinis have always had radical, eye-catching styling, before they were bought out by Audi they never really…uh, how to put this delicately…worked.

This is because they were designed, engineered, and constructed completely by the Italians. Consequently, they would sit in your drive looking menacing and furious and when you decided that you wanted to hit the road, they would refuse to start. All attempts to remedy this usually led to the car exploding in an enormous inferno of death and despair.

Many people, including me, were very pleased when Audi unveiled these newest models. Designed by the Germans (so they work) and styled by the Italians (so that they have some personality) the new cars seemed to be perfect.

However, I saw a Lamborghini on the street yesterday, and I’m quite afraid that I’ve completely changed my mind. This is because a Lamborghini shouldn’t work properly. Ever.

This is for the same reason that you must never order a Lambo in a color that is not Fluorescent Orange or Lime Green. Unless you’re George W. Bush. His is, admittedly, okay.

Black on Black on Patriot Act

Ultimately, Lambos are far too ostentatious and preposterous to be treated as normal, functioning cars. The vulgarity and excess of a Lamborghini is the entire point. I find a person that is driving down the road at 45 mph in a Lambo to be positively yawn-inducing. What they should be doing is going 1500 mph. Backwards. On fire. Screaming.

Old Fashioned Lamborghini-ist.
Image From Google

This is why, if I were to go out and buy a Lambo today, money being no object, I would seriously consider an older model. They weren’t encumbered by German precision and brilliance. They were utterly mad. If you walked up to a Lambo designer in 1980 and suggested that the next model be outfitted with machine guns instead of headlamps and vampire bats instead of an engine, he would most assuredly nod sagely and give the matter some serious thought.

Sure, it wouldn’t work worth a damn, but then again, that’s not really the point is it?

"Lamborghini Mercy, Your Cars Are Thirsty," or, "The Folly of The Green Movement's Latest Iteration"

In recent years, the Green Movement has positively exploded. Societal pressures to be "environmentally friendly" have increased at an unprecedented rate. In between inventing the internet and losing the 2000 Presidential Election, Al Gore began to make waves in the media with his controversial statements about the dangers of the car and its role in the death of the Greater Banded Moroccan Face Leech. By 2007, a film titled "An Inconvenient Truth" had won an Academy Award and was causing many to seriously consider their role in the inexorable warming of the planet.

Something was done here.

Now, the environmental craze has hit Lamborghini. Yes, you read that correctly. Lamborghini, the company whose cars run on a fine mixture of Myrrh, Rembrandts, and the tears of the 99%, is attempting to be environmentally friendly. 

Lambo has forked over $14.3 million to build a new prototype facility in Italy that, if the hype is to be believed, will not only refreeze the ice caps and bring the Greater Banded Moroccan Face Leech back to life, but also end world hunger and replace all CO2 emissions with little puffs of happiness. 

The unique construction techniques and power devices allow the structure to produce zero CO2 emissions. The facility will also use only 8 KW/hr/M, which makes it absurdly simple to power. These factors have combined to earn the facility Italy's first "A" environmental rating, which makes Lambo a legitimate contender in the green subsection of the automotive world.

Despite the green production facilities, it seems a bit unlikely that Lamborghini will actually change their cars enough to return the same MPG ratings as the Toyota Prius. The culture of excess associated with Lamborghini is, to many people, their main appeal. Just ask Kanye. 

Lamborghini Mercy. They really are thirsty.

Yeezy spits truth. 

Video From Youtube