"Bring Back TVR," or, "Keeping the Russians Happy"

In the months since I first started this blog, I have picked up a substantial Russian following. Despite this, I have really done nothing involving any sort of Russian car. Lately, this has been weighing heavily on my mind. I watched 27 minutes of the film Eastern Promises and I have realized that I simply must do something to appease the Russians. If I don't write something about a Russian car, I fear that this may happen to me:

Aragorn stabs an unsuspecting blog writer in the face...or something

From a cursory examination of the headlines, I have deduced that if you are in Russia these days, you are either a natural gas oligarch or you are Pussy Riot. If you are the former, you may be in the market for a high priced performance car. If you are the latter, you are currently in jail and unfortunately will not be driving any time soon.

Not the intended audience.

This brings me neatly to the case of TVR. Although TVR will forever be considered a British car (much like Jaguar is considered British despite the fact that the man in charge is named Ratan Tata and he has chosen to headquarter the company in Mumbai) the 21st Century saw it as the plaything of a young Russian businessman named Nikolay Smolensky.

Unfortunately, Mr. Smolensky's management of the company was less than satisfactory, and in July, TVR was officially shut down for good. At this point, 96% of the world's population breathed a sigh of relief, because it meant that the company would stop churning out poorly made death machines. You honestly had a better chance of surviving a game of russian roulette (see what I did there?!?!?) than you did of surviving a Sunday drive in your TVR.

And that's a shame. They weren't bad looking cars and they had a rich racing history.

Sort of like a Lotus Evora but much more...violent

There's something incredibly sad seeing such a storied company fade into the annals of history. Well actually, TVR still exists, they just make wind turbines. Either way though, that's an extremely ignoble end to an automotive icon.

I will end this with an appeal. Mr. Smolensky, please bring back TVR. Proper TVR. Not wind turbine TVR. The Dutch have wind turbines covered. The Russians need this. And so do we.

"Don't Tase Me Bro," or, "An Exploration of Electric Cars"

Earlier this week, Nissan was hit with a major class-action lawsuit. The focus of the litigation? The range of Nissan's electric Leaf. After paying almost $37,000 for a plastic box that can travel a smaller distance that a paralyzed cocker-spaniel, it seems as though several drivers felt as though they were duped.

At least it looks goo-.....wait...no. That's a lie.

Let me preface the following post by stating that I really feel no sense of pity for these people. Fully electric cars such as the leaf are useless vanity pieces for people who now believe that the Toyota Prius is "too mainstream." These people generally have beards and listen to bands like Grizzly Bear while snacking on overpriced granola. I have no patience for these people and I have no patience for the Nissan Leaf.

But it's like, totally sustainable!

For starters, let's be honest. Electric cars do not work. Let me repeat that. They. Do. Not. Work. They take half a day to charge and then run out of juice after you make it thirty miles down the road. Once the car dies, you will have no means of charging it up, as electric car charging ports are not what one might call "plentiful."

"Ah," you might say, "but the you love the Chevy Volt, and its an electric car!"

Not so. The Chevy volt is, for all intensive purposes, a hybrid. It happens to be the best designed and least offensive hybrid on the market, and it's magnificent. It is not an electric car.

Saving the earth, Michael Bay style

Please don't misunderstand the purpose of this post. I truly believe that we need to reduce our dependence on oil and that the automotive industry will have to switch to a more sustainable fuel source very soon.

With that said, electric cars are a pipe dream. Hydrogen is, for the time being, the only reasonable alternative to gasoline and diesel.

"Let's All Connect to Facetube," or, "The Rise of the Infotainment System."

Today, Ford announced that it will fix its infotainment system, "MyFord Touch." This pronouncement was initiated following recent Consumer Reports surveys that (I'm paraphrasing here) declared that Ford's infotainment system was less intuitive than complex integration calculus and less attractive than a decomposing corpse. Plainly, this was not good news.

Oh...This looks.....fun?

But here's a crucial fact. All infotainment systems are awful. Trying to use satnav in a Honda is comparable to playing the first edition of Zelda on a Super Nintendo. It was revolutionary when Clinton was in office, but now it's a bit sad to be honest.

He knows what's up.

And unfortunately, it's only going to get worse. Recently, Autoblog broke the news that Apple would be adding a Siri button to the upcoming vehicles of several major manufacturers. For those of you that live under a rock or are above the age of 76, Siri is the all-knowing robotic assistant that comes with all new iPhones. Sort of like Stanley Kubrick's Hal, but female.

Humanity is obsolete. Thanks for that one Steve Jobs.

Everyone seems to think that this is an amazing development. Everyone except me. I personally believe that these developments are roughly equivalent to the arrival of the antichrist.

Hello, my name is Damien, and I drive a Honda Civic.

More technology means more distracted driving. More distracted driving means that more people will be killed on the roads. This means that we will need more safety technology. This means that cars will get heavier and more unwieldy. This means that driving will lose much of its appeal. This is bad.

As I've said before, I'm a huge fan of a stripped down, no-frills driving experience. And I'm terrified that this is dying out.

“It shall be the Source of All Things, or, How Much is Too Much?”

As I’ve previously stated, I think that there are some odd things going on in the world of automotive design. One of most notable is also one of the most understandable. I’m talking about the “go anywhere, do anything” phenomenon that seems to be cropping up in new designs.

This phenomenon takes the notion of “market segments,” shreds it, and then throws it to a group of wolves that haven’t eaten in 6 weeks for disposal.

Final Destination for the Market Segment.

A prime example is the new Nissan Quest minivan. Let’s be clear, this is a minivan. A machine designed to allow a young mother to cart around 3 children, a load of groceries, and several dogs at once and with great economy. That’s all it’s supposed to do.

A Somewhat Liberal Interpretation of the Concept.

So, you can imagine the confusion now that Nissan has unveiled the newest iteration of the Quest.

Here was a minivan that claimed to be the start of a new chapter in the grand tale of minivans. Here was a minivan that promised classic hauling capacity along with unprecedented levels of luxury and sumptuous comfort. In short, Nissan tried to break the mold and satisfy everyone.

And it failed. Horribly. Cataclysmically.

Mere words cannot describe the awful nature of the Quest. That said, I will endeavor to do so anyway.

First, let’s start with the exterior. There’s no other way to say this. It appears to have been designed by someone that at some point lost the gift of sight. I mean, honestly, what were they thinking? The mirrors are straight off of a delivery van. The body has a Janus-like split identity. The front looks like a minivan and the back looks like a small truck. The fusion is spectacularly awful.

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Image courtesy of the NY Times.

My Labrador saw a picture of this car on my computer and was promptly sick.

The interior isn’t much better. The steering is a bit numb and the button configurations and total layout appear to have been drawn up for a driver with several tentacles and a complete lack of spatial awareness. Most notably, silence, the most important hallmark of any luxury car (or any car designed to take many people a long way) is utterly and completely absent. The shocking amount of road noise would convince a blindfolded passenger that they were in New Orleans, circa 2004.

It's Sort of Like This, But Louder.

The car is awful. Biblically awful. And this is because it tries too hard to satisfy everyone. There is a reason that there are market segments. There is a reason that people buy cars with different priorities in mind. The Nissan Quest is a perfect example of the horrors that result when a company tries too hard to please everyone. They please nobody.

"Burning Rubber or Perhaps Conserving it for the Drive Home," or, "What is a Driver's Car?"

Several days ago, I was out at a track running some tests for work. There was a retinue of beautiful cars that each cost about half a million dollars and there was a Fiat 500 that we were using to kart around cameras and testing gear.

My Trusty Steed.

At one point, I had to hop into the little Fiat to move a group of tripods to the other side of the track. I followed a coworker in a V12 Aston Martin onto the track, expecting to immediately be left in his dust as his performance-bred machine employed the 510 horses that were crammed under its hood and sped away. I was right. He was completely out of sight within 15 seconds.

Fire Breathing Track Dragon. Also Comes in Blue.

However, when we exited our cars at the destination point a few minutes later, he was dripping with sweat and looked unbearably tense. I, on the other hand, was grinning ear to ear and laughing madly. Somehow, I was the one who enjoyed the drive more.

This got me thinking: what really is a driver's car?

Companies have tried to convince us that the best cars to drive are those that produce enough power to level Hiroshima again and enough torque to spin the Earth in a counterclockwise manner when they accelerate. They are wrong. These are not the best cars. The reality is, you can never actually use this power. Naught to 60 in 2.8 seconds? Why should that matter? When do you ever have to go from a standstill to 60 mph? 50 to 80, aka what you do when you merge onto the freeway, is a much more important number. Ergo, cars with gratuitous amounts of power are out.

This Goes 260 MPH. It Is Also Immensely Stupid.

Besides, if you purchase one of these cars, what you are telling the world is that your penis is a bit too small. Soon, you will get into arguments with other people with foreshortened penises about the horsepower in their cars, and then you'll end up getting in a fistfight over your penises. As you've both been taking Viagra, you will die of an exploded heart mid-fight, and your bodies will be found in an embarrassing position. Don't have this happen. Don't buy a car with a stupid engine.

Others will say that extremely expensive bespoke cars made from ridiculous and exclusive things like myrrh, redwood, and Elton John's pubes are the best cars. Why simply drive around in a Ford Fusion when you can waft about in a Rolls Royce, laughing at the misfortune of the poor 99 percenters that don't have their transmission fluid replaced with Chablis and their steering wheel leather replaced with penguin hide? The reality is, again, that these cars are immensely stupid. Unlike cars with big engines, which just signify your unfortunate lack in the gentleman's region, these cars cause people to actively hate you.

Feel the Hatred Rise Within You Young Skywalker.

The reality is, the absolute best drivers cars are little roadsters like this, the Mazda MX 5.

The Mazda doesn't have a large amount of power, it doesn't have a rock-hard suspension, it's filled with plastic, and there are no penguins. It costs about $24,000, and it's excellent.

This is What Fun Looks Like.

This is because the people at Mazda know the truth. Driving becomes fun when you do it at the limit. The limit of an Aston Martin's performance, that moment right before it slides off of the road, hits a tree, and incinerates you, is impossibly high. Nobody but a highly trained race driver can even come close to approaching it.

On the other hand, the limit of an MX 5 is quite low. Ergo, driving around town, you can have the top down, the wind in your hair, the sunlight on your face, and the feeling of perfect synthesis between man and machine, even though you're really only doing 45 down your best friend's twisty backroad. Because really, that's what this is all about.

“Like Miles Davis, I’ve Been Swayed by the Cool,” or, “An Expose on Retro Styling.”

Retro styling is a pretty big deal in the automotive world right now. Car companies like Jaguar and Aston Martin are constantly trying to remain true to their heritages while continuing to design their cars on the cutting edge of modernity and companies like Dodge simply repackage their old cars and resell them because they’re out of good ideas. No matter who you are, if you’re an automotive designer, you need to give some serious thought to the “retro” concept.

This is How Everything Used to be Done. With Mustaches.

Personally, I’m somewhat averse to retro and classic cars. First and foremost, if a car is referred to as “classic” this is simply code for “broken.” Odds are good that you will be spending your daughter’s college fund on a rusting Charybdis of automotive misery and toil that will never be as good as your dentist neighbor’s Toyota Prius. And that alone might make you want to kill yourself.

Disturbingly Accurate.

Retro cars aren’t much better, as evidenced by everything that Dodge currently makes. Let’s look at the Challenger for example. Its fuel economy is worse than an aircraft carrier, it’s slower than glacial drift, and it has a suspension setup that was considered revolutionary and exciting during the siege of Troy. It’s too big to fit on the moon, much less a side street or your driveway.  All things considered, it’s awful. And yet, people continue to shell out a premium for this ghastliness.

I'm Sorry. I've just been sick.

This is because they don’t have any taste.

However, this diatribe isn’t meant to scare you away from the looks of a classic car. Some cars with classic looks are much better than many other modern cars. For example, let’s compare this year’s Shelby Mustang GT with a Morgan Plus 8. You can walk out of your house and head to a dealership right now and buy either one of these cars.

Beauty Incarnate.

A Device For Turning Money & Gas Into Noise

Let’s start with looks. The Morgan is, there’s no other word for it, exquisite. The Mustang is vulgar and disgusting. Point for the Morgan. The Morgan is also $10,000 cheaper, and that’s before you start adding options onto the Mustang. The Morgan is handbuilt from wood in a forest in Great Britain. The Mustang is assembled by some robots and an overweight man named Bill in Dearborn, Michigan. Both are completely road legal in the United States.

But here’s the good number. Both will do 0-60 in under 5 seconds. That’s right. This Morgan, which looks like it’s from 1949 and was built in a British shed from wood is basically as fast as this roided out muscle car.

If you’re truly interested in classic looks, why would you buy a Challenger or equally moronic modern muscle car? 

Do yourself a favor and give Morgan or an equivalent marque a serious look.

"Give it Guns...and Vampire Bats," or, "Let's Head Back to Design School."

The past year has been huge for Italy’s fourth most recognizable export (after Ferrari, debt, and the Prime Minister’s prostitutes.) That’s right. I'm talking Lamborghini.

2012 saw the mainstream production of Lambo’s new flagship supercar, the Aventador, and what a car it is. With its vicious lines, starter button that was lifted from a fighter jet, and glorious noise, the Aventador was able to make an immediate splash in the automotive world. Just last week the company celebrated the sale of model 1000.

Audi Takes Italy. Kourtney and Kim Unavailable for Comment.

Much of this success is down to Lambo’s parent company Audi. Although Lamborghinis have always had radical, eye-catching styling, before they were bought out by Audi they never really…uh, how to put this delicately…worked.

This is because they were designed, engineered, and constructed completely by the Italians. Consequently, they would sit in your drive looking menacing and furious and when you decided that you wanted to hit the road, they would refuse to start. All attempts to remedy this usually led to the car exploding in an enormous inferno of death and despair.

Many people, including me, were very pleased when Audi unveiled these newest models. Designed by the Germans (so they work) and styled by the Italians (so that they have some personality) the new cars seemed to be perfect.

However, I saw a Lamborghini on the street yesterday, and I’m quite afraid that I’ve completely changed my mind. This is because a Lamborghini shouldn’t work properly. Ever.

This is for the same reason that you must never order a Lambo in a color that is not Fluorescent Orange or Lime Green. Unless you’re George W. Bush. His is, admittedly, okay.

Black on Black on Patriot Act

Ultimately, Lambos are far too ostentatious and preposterous to be treated as normal, functioning cars. The vulgarity and excess of a Lamborghini is the entire point. I find a person that is driving down the road at 45 mph in a Lambo to be positively yawn-inducing. What they should be doing is going 1500 mph. Backwards. On fire. Screaming.

Old Fashioned Lamborghini-ist.
Image From Google

This is why, if I were to go out and buy a Lambo today, money being no object, I would seriously consider an older model. They weren’t encumbered by German precision and brilliance. They were utterly mad. If you walked up to a Lambo designer in 1980 and suggested that the next model be outfitted with machine guns instead of headlamps and vampire bats instead of an engine, he would most assuredly nod sagely and give the matter some serious thought.

Sure, it wouldn’t work worth a damn, but then again, that’s not really the point is it?

"Lamborghini Mercy, Your Cars Are Thirsty," or, "The Folly of The Green Movement's Latest Iteration"

In recent years, the Green Movement has positively exploded. Societal pressures to be "environmentally friendly" have increased at an unprecedented rate. In between inventing the internet and losing the 2000 Presidential Election, Al Gore began to make waves in the media with his controversial statements about the dangers of the car and its role in the death of the Greater Banded Moroccan Face Leech. By 2007, a film titled "An Inconvenient Truth" had won an Academy Award and was causing many to seriously consider their role in the inexorable warming of the planet.

Something was done here.

Now, the environmental craze has hit Lamborghini. Yes, you read that correctly. Lamborghini, the company whose cars run on a fine mixture of Myrrh, Rembrandts, and the tears of the 99%, is attempting to be environmentally friendly. 

Lambo has forked over $14.3 million to build a new prototype facility in Italy that, if the hype is to be believed, will not only refreeze the ice caps and bring the Greater Banded Moroccan Face Leech back to life, but also end world hunger and replace all CO2 emissions with little puffs of happiness. 

The unique construction techniques and power devices allow the structure to produce zero CO2 emissions. The facility will also use only 8 KW/hr/M, which makes it absurdly simple to power. These factors have combined to earn the facility Italy's first "A" environmental rating, which makes Lambo a legitimate contender in the green subsection of the automotive world.

Despite the green production facilities, it seems a bit unlikely that Lamborghini will actually change their cars enough to return the same MPG ratings as the Toyota Prius. The culture of excess associated with Lamborghini is, to many people, their main appeal. Just ask Kanye. 

Lamborghini Mercy. They really are thirsty.

Yeezy spits truth. 

Video From Youtube

"A Treatise on the Proliferation of The Most Popular Brand in the World," or "Why Do People Buy Toyotas?"

Numbers don't lie. Common sense dictates that this is because they can't write, speak, or otherwise communicate. This is not only a remarkably obvious statement, but is often a very simple approach to take when analyzing brand strength. These aforementioned numbers are currently sitting on my desktop, informing me that Toyota is the most popular brand in the world. This is where I take issue with the idea that numbers don't lie. In this case, the numbers are evil, lying bastards, because nobody in their right mind would willingly purchase a Toyota.

The Camry, resplendent in an invigorating shade of beige.

Take the above Camry for instance. This is the 2012 model, which is more expensive than the much better 2012 Ford Fusion. It also is made from cheaper materials, gets worse gas mileage, and will inevitably accelerate uncontrollably and run over your dog.

The story is much the same with the rest of the lineup. As a matter of fact, the only car that Toyota currently makes that I even remotely like is the FRS, which is sold as a Scion. The only other car that I even come close to understanding is the Prius, which I hate more than anything else on Earth.

Although it's true that a Prius will return spectacular fuel mileage, you could get almost double the EPA rating with a diesel. This will allow you to continue your stingy habits at the pump and it will also prevent you from looking a bit...disturbed, which you would certainly be if you chose to drive a Prius about town.

You see, the Prius is driven almost exclusively by those that want to be seen. You know the type, Hollywood celebrities, rich socialites, the dentist that lives across the street...they all drive Priuses because they like the idea of being seen as they "save the planet."

In reality, the Prius is one of the world's most environmentally unfriendly machines (take a look at how it's produced) and is completely substandard when compared with a less hideous and more spacious diesel competitor. 

From this, we can gather that the only reason that a rational human being would purchase a Toyota is that they have completely lost the will to live and assisted suicide is illegal in their state or nation. 

Although it's a bit more expensive, even with a government credit, I'd much rather have one of these.

Happy Independence Day

"The Doritos Locos Taco is Ruining My Life," or, "Why Driver's Aid Technology is A Menace."

While driving down the highway today, I saw a large billboard that proclaimed, "Your Doritos is Tacos." This declaration caused me to almost ram my truck into the artfully bearded hipster driving the Chevy HHR in front of me. My indescribable shock was not a result of the grammatical sacrilege that had been committed by the sign, but by Taco Bell's temerity in insinuating that a Doritos taco was something desirable. Something that I wanted. Frankly, I have no desire to eat a Dorito taco. If I want a Taco, I will damn well have a taco, not a poorly seasoned corn chip with elephantiasis. 

Stay out of my lunch! And my car!

The foisting of a revolting chip taco on the public made me consider a similar situation in the automotive world. Every model year, car manufacturers unveil the newest generation of technology designed to "aid" your driving experience. Mercedes, for example, is quite fond of a little gadget that will stop your car for you if it senses danger ahead. I'm sorry, but would it not be more prudent to maintain your road speed and simply swerve around the log in the side of the lane? How are you supposed to drive safely when a machine is intervening every time something is in the road ahead of you? 

It's the same story with modern supercars. In the olden days, supercars were impossible to drive. If you turned too aggresively, they would oversteer massively, and you would hit a tree and die. If you used too much throttle, they could understeer OR overstter wildy, and you would hit a lampost and die. If you missed a shift, the transmission would explode and send half of what used to be third gear through your face, and you would die. Sometimes, you would start them and they would explode. You would then die. On occasion, the brakes would inexplicably fail, causing you to launch off of a cliff and die. In sum, old supercars were devilishly tricky. Just ask James Dean.

Although this ended very badly for Mr. Dean, it created what was undeniably a pure driving experience. When everything came together properly on the road, you were in driving nirvana: a perfect synthesis of man and machine. If you knew what you were doing, you were a hero. If you didn't, you died horribly in a flaming wreck. 

The experience itself was completely different as well. The interiors of these old cars were sparse. Stripped down. Facing you was an array of gauges, a steering wheel, some pedals, and a shift lever. Now compare that to the driver's view in a new Ferrari 458.

It's a mess of mind-numbingly complicated gadgets. Happily, this picture doesn't show the back of the wheel, which has even more buttons. Consequently, every time you try to park, you activate twelve different functions, all of which are so distracting that you can't park your car, you look like an ass, and Keira Knightley gets out of the passenger seat to go cozy up with the man who almost died in his old Porsche on the drive in.

At the end of the day, all of these add-ons, although initially palatable, are simply diluting the driving experience for those of us that actually care. Like the Doritos Locos Taco, they are well-intentioned attempts to please consumers that simply fail.

"I'll have a double whiskey ginger..No, wait...scratch that...I'll have bird flu" or, "Is driving with a cold the same as driving drunk?"

I don't know how I didn't hear about this before today, but earlier this year, Cardiff University in Wales released a study that said that driving with a cold was the same as driving whilst massively drunk. According to the study, driving with a cold or bout of the flu is equivalent to "driving under the influence of four double whiskeys."

This is easily the most ludicrous thing that I have ever heard.

Last week, I drove to work with a mild sore throat and runny nose. It fit all the symptoms of the common cold. Despite this, I did not veer off of the road. Nobody was killed. After I exited my car, I was fully capable of walking into my office in a straight line. I did not slur my speech, nor did I text embarrassing things to people that I used to date. I had no craving for bad Mexican food. In short, my behavior was not that of a drunk person.

According to statistics provided by ABC News, there are about 500 million colds per year in the United States. So....there are 500 million instances of drunk driving that don't have any relation to alcohol per year in the USA? If this was even close to accurate, our streets would look like something from "The Road."

I have been forced to conclude that this is part of a Welsh strategy to curb CO2 emissions by getting fewer people to drive, thus providing a better climate for raising sheep, which is what one does in Wales. That is literally the only rational explanation for this study.

"The Ever Increasing Terrors of Government Regulation", or, "Why Driving is Doomed"

Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that "Obamacare" is indeed a constitutional program. This incensed those that think that the government should do nothing but build them park benches and stay the Hell out of their lives and it brought orgasmic delight to those that think that the government should regulate every last detail of their lives so that they can enjoy life to the fullest extent. As this blog strives to be apolitical, I'll endeavor not to comment on that. However, these developments have gotten me thinking about driving regulations.

Every year, it seems like there are new laws designed to create a safer road experience for everyone. On the surface, this is excellent. To be clear, I do not like crashing. Crashing is bad. Crashing is unhealthy. Especially if it involves injury. But is increased litigation the answer?

Frankly, I'm in favor of going in the opposite direction and raising freeway speed limits. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of fatal crashes occur on roads with speed limits of 30 mph or below. Why? Because people aren't paying attention. Think about this: would you be willing to text your cousin or turn back to pet Mr. Patches, the domesticated iguana that is sitting in a rear facing child seat in the back of your car, if you were hurtling down the road at 95 mph?

No. You would not. You would be clutching at the wheel like a kamikaze pilot and sweating profusely as you used every ounce of your concentration to not drive into the car in the next lane over.

The problem is, it's difficult to argue against the people in favor of increased litigation. I certainly won't be the person who has to tell a member of MADD that the cars that killed their children should be made to go faster or that drivers should be bound by fewer restrictive pieces of legislation.

This is why I believe that the joy will soon be sucked out of driving. As more and more people beg those in power to regulate the automotive world, the pure experience of driving will suffocate and die under the weight of 8 trillion new laws. Because it's impossible to say no.

It's Like the Eurovision Contest But With Petrol: The Auto Intern's Easy Guide to European & Asian Automakers

Aston Martin: James Bond drives them. Most rational human beings salivate at the sight of them. Arguably some of the most gorgeous cars to currently grace the earth, Astons also have some legs on them as well. These cars go like Hell. Basically the perfect blend of luxury and performance....for a price.
Car to watch: Vanquish

Bentley: The cars made for dictators and pro soccer players, Bentley is currently undergoing an identity crisis. Cars like the Continental GT are roughly the size of the Death Star but also insist on trying to perform alongside the likes of Ferraris. Bentley needs to give up and just go back to making bulletproof limousines for people that deny food to their subjects.
Car to watch: EXP 9F (And pray to whatever God you believe in that it never, EVER gets made)

Jaguar: Jag is quickly evolving into Aston Martin's upstart little brother. Cheaper than modern Astons, but with the same looks, Jags now present a truly viable option in the performance luxury market.
Car to watch: F-Type

Land Rover: They make Range Rovers, which is all anyone really cares about. The Range Rover is arguably the best SUV in the world, bar none. You pay a lot, but you get a lot for your money as well. Don't count on these guys to go away any time soon.
Car to watch: Range Rover Evoque

Lotus: Lotus will go down in history as the legacy of the undoubtedly brilliant Colin Chapman. The revolutionary formula of "adding lightness" ushered in an entirely new school of automotive engineering. Unfortunately, the company has been plagued by financial and corporate problems in recent years. The brand's future is uncertain.
Car to watch: Eterne & Esprit

Mini Cooper: Love it or hate it, the Mini is certainly an icon. Although some question the car's shelf life, the recent redesigns have proven that people of all generations seem to love the small car. Frankly, it's easy to see why. Cheap, powerful, fun, and efficient, the Mini is a little bit of everything.
Car to watch: Mini Cooper S

Morgan: These are what cars should be. Achingly beautiful, handbuilt, powerful, and unique, Morgans are, in my opinion, the world's coolest cars. They look like a 1940's Jag, they drive like a modern BMW, and they go like an old Italian supercar. If you have the money, do yourself a favor and buy yourself a Morgan. You won't regret it.
Car to watch: Aerosports

Rolls Royce: I actually prefer old Rolls, as the new ones are a tad tasteless. That said, nothing makes a statement like a Rolls Royce. If a status symbol is what you want, look no further. Everyone will know that you are part of the one percent as you crush their welfare-dependent bones into a fine dust with the gravity field generated by these absurdly large cars.
Car to watch: Phantom

Volvo: Ah yes. Volvo. Many people might consider Volvo to be the most boring brand on Earth, but the company is making a serious effort to change that. The marque's foray into racing and the debut of some new, sportier models like the S60 are slowly changing Volvo's image for the better.
Car to watch: S60

Alfa Romeo: Although the Alfas of the past had the tendency to spontaneously combust when started (if they remembered to start) there is no denying that Alfas have soul, a trait that many new cars seriously lack. They also have some serious style. If you want a lesson in art, go look up the 8C. The brand's return to the USA will determine Alfa's future for quite some time.
Car to watch: Giulietta & 4C Coupe

Ferrari: Supercar royalty. Ferrari is the unchallenged champion of cool. Cars like the 458 Italia and upcoming Enzo successor set the bar for excellence across the automotive world. The only conceivable complaint that anyone could have is the company's increased reliance on computers and electronic driver aids that are leaving some drivers feeling increasingly isolated. That said, the Prancing Horse is still the undisputed king.
Car to watch: F70 (Enzo Successor)

Fiat: The only reason that Chrysler isn't gone, Fiat relies on youth culture, cute city cars, and excessive marketing to female 20somethings that live in Notting Hill. Most of the cars lack any real substance, case in point: Fiat 500. That said, Fiat's management of Chrysler has been spectacular.
Car to watch: Fiat 500 Abarth

Lamborghini: The former upstart tractor makers that gained notoriety through their sheer insanity are still going strong. In recent years, Volkswagen acquired Lambo, and that was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to the company. Now, the supercars are engineered by the Germans but styled by the Italians. This works well for all involved. It means that the cars aren't reduced the the bland executive boxes they would be if designed by the Germans and it means that the cars actually run, which they wouldn't if they were built by the Italians. This synthesis and general adherence to Lamborghini's original mad vision is putting the company is a position to legitimately topple Ferrari as the king of the supercars.
Car to watch: Aventador

Pagani: Few carmakers ever manage to break into the pantheon  of supercar greatness. Arguably, only one has managed to do so in the last few years. Pagani accomplished this by closely studying the madness of Lamborghini and styling of Ferrari, and simply doing more. I believe that the general design process involves a famous painter being drugged out of his mind, placing him in a small room, and giving him a set of crayons and a huge amount of carbon fiber. Somehow, the cars look decent, at least on the outside. The interiors are predictably insane. The cars don't just get by on craziness though. Paganis are truly engineering marvels.
Car to watch: Huayra

Audi: Probably the best of the German manufacturers currently. Audi represents the performance of BMW melded with the class of Mercedes, but also lacks the annoyingly superior air that surrounds Mercedes and the hatred normally evoked by BMW. They are truly well built, fun, and cool cars.
Car to watch: R8 Etron & A7

BMW: The makers of arguably the best sports sedan on the planet, the M3, BMW also evokes an irrational feeling of loathing in most people as their cars are driven almost exclusively by pretentious fools. When this is combined with the ludicrous and impossible iDrive system, the cars quickly lose their appeal, which is a shame, considering their technical brilliance.
Car to watch: M3 (big surprise there.....)

Mercedes-Benz: The other big German luxury car company. Mercedes has the downside of a range of cars that are indistinguishable from each other. Mercedes has the upside of AMG, which turns what would otherwise be sedans driven by dentists into ludicrous, fire breathing monsters that melt the bones of those too weak to drive them.
Car to watch: C63 AMG

Porsche: Porsches don't make sense. Porsches have the laziest design on earth (the flagship 911 has not evolved since the Second World War). However, they also have some truly brilliant engineers, which have been able to prevent the cars from killing everything that steps within 10 feet with their stupid rear-mounted engines.
Car to watch: 911

Volkswagen: Sensible and dull in all facets except one: the Beetle. The only reason that the Beetle isn't dull is because it invokes surging hatred in most living creatures.
Car to watch: Scirrocco Diesel, Touareg

Hyundai: What used to be a second-rate Honda knockoff is now a legitimate force in the automotive world. Hyundai has some great design and they make extremely dependable products. The brand is also developing an increasingly sporty focus, which should help with marketing.
Car to watch: Genesis Coupe

Kia: The purveyor of sensible Korean hatchbacks, Kia is still struggling for a real toehold in the USA. That said, they make good cars. They may not be the most exciting thing on the road, but crucially, they are safe, cheap, reasonably reliable, and efficient.
Car to watch: Rio

Honda: Hondas were the height of cool...in 1987. Now, they are overengineered boxes that are guaranteed to suck your soul out through your mouth the second you take a seat in one. Mechanically, Hondas are great cars. That said, they have dated designs and woefully dull interiors that won't do anything to woo new customers.
Car to watch: NSX (2015)

Lexus: They try so, so hard to emulate BMW in every facet, and they consistently come up just short. This isn't a bad thing, necessarily. Lexus makes some good cars. The only truly great car that they make though, is the LFA. Unfortunately, the LFA is worth more than many Sub-Saharan countries, and is completely unattainable, even for many of the world's financial elite. Although the LFA isn't practical, it does represent a new, even more performance oriented, direction for the company.
Car to watch: LFA & Whatever it Spawns

Mazda: Whatever happened to 'Zoom Zoom'? Mazda has gone from being a maker of affordable, sporty little cars to a bloated and self-important company that lacks definition and uses terms like 'skyactiv' that simply illustrate how badly the company has lost touch with the market. It's a shame, because Mazda makes some great cars. Unfortunately, their brand image has grown stale, and they seem to be latching onto the innovations of other companies rather than developing their own.
Car to watch: CX5

Nissan: Nissan has quietly crept forward in the automotive world. Look around you the next time you drive on the highway. Try to count the Altimas that you see. Just try. Nissan isn't generally regarded as an incredibly desirable brand. That said, their rock-solid reliability and solid styling has helped Nissan become a viable alternative to other major brands. From cutting edge supercars to green electric cars, Nissan provides something for everyone, and crucially, they do it affordably Watch out for the major model refresh coming later this year, it could rocket Nissan to the forefront of the market.
Car to watch: GTR, Leaf

Subaru: Long known for their dependable hatchbacks and sedans, Subaru has officially conquered all facets of the automotive market with the introduction of the truly excellent BRZ. Subarus are generally cheap and will run until the end of time, as you can see here.
Car to watch: BRZ

Toyota: The world's largest car manufacturer has its title for a reason. The problem is, I have no idea what that reason might be. When they aren't accelerating uncontrollably and running over children, Toyotas sit in place looking boring and ugly. I would rather be gored by a bison than spend an appreciable amount of time inside of one. Regrettably, Toyota also gave us the Prius, which is universally acknowledged as a car that people drive so that other people think they're environmentally friendly.
Car to watch: Prius (unfortunately....)

'MERICA , or, "The Auto Intern's Easy Guide to American Automakers"

Buick: Almost exclusively driven by people with gout until quite recently, the Buick nameplate has experienced something of a revival. With a new lineup of surprisingly luxurious and sporty vehicles at competitive prices, look for Buick to experience a small revival, especially once the Verano Turbo becomes widely available.
Car to watch: Verano Turbo

Cadillac: The former luxury barge of the elderly, Cadillac is clawing away a share of the performance luxury market from BMW and Mercedes. Truly great engineering and a marketing campaign seemingly authored by God has contributed to the massive revival of a brand once given up for dead. Expect even more great things in the next few years.
Car to watch: CTS-V Coupe

Chevrolet: Baseball, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet. Once synonymous with America, the venerable automaker can't seem to decide what it is. Does Chevy make trucks? Cars? Biplanes? It's difficult to tell from their marketing and their cars have lacked definition recently. The brand does seem to have big things on the horizon though, and its return to racing is bringing back some much needed prestige.
Car to watch: SS

Chrysler: Chrysler as we knew it is dead. Risen from the ashes of Chrysler is basically the American arm of Fiat. This in itself isn't a huge problem. Every since the company was restructured, product quality has increased dramatically. While I still wouldn't buy a Chrysler, the marque has improved to an outstanding degree.
Car to watch: Alfa Romeo Giulietta (Yes, I know it's technically not a Chrysler, but it will basically be sold as one in the USA)

Dodge: The purveyor of cheap muscle cars has made one of the largest contributions to the auto industry of the last year with the reintroduction of the Dodge/SRT Viper supercar. Although the snake is still undergoing testing, early figures suggest that it will give the flashy European supercars cause for some serious concern.
Car to watch: SRT Viper

Fisker: The more attractive, exclusive, and expensive version of Tesla, Fisker hopes to lead the way into a more sustainable automotive future. Unfortunately, the company's halo car, the Karma, has been plagued by bad press and technical difficulties (something about it spontaneously bursting into flames) that have cast a dark shadow over the marque. Personally, I would really like to see Fisker succeed. Unfortunately, we can't rely on internal combustion forever, and Fisker made some serious strides in the field of alternate energy. Also, the Fisker design studio is like no other and the Karma and Atlantic are arguably two of the year's most attractive cars.
Car to watch: Karma

Ford: My pick of the American marques, Ford really has something for everyone. From the Mustang, arguably one of the most iconic cars ever, to the new Fusion, which looks like a downsized DB9, Ford makes quality machines that do their job with a certain swagger that you won't find on other American cars. Thanks to the OneFord global initiative, model lineups are being boosted and this allows Ford to provide a car for literally any type of person.
Car to watch: Mustang (2015) & Fusion

Jeep: Jeeps are quintessentially cool. There is really no argument to be made. Recent technical improvements have given some models better gas mileage, which makes them a bit more practical. Nothing more to be said.
Car to watch: Grand Cherokee

Lincoln: Ford's luxury arm needs serious help. Although Lincolns are fine cars, they look little different from the Fords that they are based on and they suffer from a dull  image. There is an almost universal consensus that driving a bathtub filled with Elmer's Glue is a more invigorating experience. Lincoln needs to innovate or die.
Car to watch: MKS

Scion: The brand originally meant to appeal to spiky haired millenials is now facing a serious problem: the brand's entire target market finds them uninspiring and boring. The new FRS has flashes of brilliance, but it's only one car. A total lineup reinvention is necessary if this brand wants to renew its appeal.
Car to watch: FRS

Tesla: The first company to try to produce a feasible electric supercar, they have been eclipsed in every conceivable way by Fisker. The company is now facing some serious financial problems and is counting on a halo car to boost sales.
Car to watch: Model S

Kartoffelsalat ist lecker, or, "I Don't Speak German and I Advise Buying American."

What comes to mind when you think of German engineering? It's probably something along the lines of "reliable", "well-built", "fast", and "precise." For years, these have been the reasons that compelled people to buy German luxury cars. This obviously made sense as, for several decades, most American cars were mass produced death machines that would fall apart after their first 10,000 miles.

But that is all in the past. Today, companies like Ford are gaining traction on their platforms of safety, reliability and, most crucially, fun. It's hard to deny the appeal of a car named Fiesta, especially when it's compared to one named 128i. The first one sounds like something that would have lots of piñatas. The second sounds like a chemotherapy drug.

And this is the most important detail. American cars are now just as good as their German and Japanese counterparts. But crucially, American cars now have something that the foreigners lack. A sense of fun.

At this point, you might be shaking your head and asserting that the Americans just aren't up to par yet. I would disagree. M3? Meet the new Chevrolet SS. Bugatti Veyron? Meet the Shelby Tuatara. Lamborghini Aventador? The upcoming Corvette can teach you a thing or two. Range Rover? Thanks, but I'll pay half the price for a Jeep that looks just as good and works the same. C63 AMG? Just give me a Shelby Mustang. Koenigsegg Agera R? I raise you one  Hennessey Venom GT, and so on and so forth.

I truthfully don't know if American cars will ever regain the total dominance that they enjoyed post-WWII. However, I do know that these cars are now just as good as their European and Asian counterparts and you should give some serious consideration to them if you're in the market for a new car.

Driver's Training, or, "Why the Swedes Will Take Over the World"

Ah driver's training. The one class where, no matter how academically useless you are, you can still pass by showing up. Here in America, we take great pride in putting people with absolutely zero meaningful training on the roads. Don't believe me? Watch an episode of the show Cops and tell me that we have a good driver's training system.

In most areas of the United States, you can start driving (in a limited manner) when you are 14 years and 9 months old. Most states will give you a full license at the age of 16. In the intervening months, you simply have to complete two classroom education segments, often "taught" by an obese elderly man that likes to play videos that explain in mind-numbing detail why crashing is bad, log 50 hours of driving, pass a written test, and get an instructor to sign off on a road test that includes impossibly difficult tasks such as parallel parking, a task which could most likely be completed by a hydrocephallic iguana, and not veering out of your lane whilst travelling down the highway.

If you explained this process to someone from Sweden, they would stare at you shocked, offer you some meatballs, assemble a table, and then be confused a bit more. You see, in Sweden, a license cannot be obtained until a driver is 18 years of age. The 18 year old in question must pass an absolutely brutal theory test, and complete multiple driving tests that simulate every type of road condition imaginable. Students are taken out onto a skidpad. Students do the slalom in the snow. Students are taught how to drive.

Between this skill and the corporate domination of Ikea, I fear that the Swedes may soon take their place at the head of a terrifying new world order. All will eat meatballs, complete transactions with the krona, and fill their homes with preassembled couch sets. Wait, is this a bad thing?

The Proliferation of Sensory Deprivation Hellboxes for Obese People With No Taste, or, "A Tale of Luxury Crossovers"

It seems like the news has been filled of late with announcements from luxury companies announcing their forays into the market of sporty SUV's and crossovers. In itself, this isn't a terrible thing. I really don't care if Infiniti comes out with a crossover for soccer mom's. What I do care about is the sudden rise in "performance" SUV's from companies like Porsche, Lamborghini, and Bentley. It seems just fundamentally wrong that Lamborghini, a company that made its name producing cars that literally scream "EVIL" at you is now producing a "Luxury Performance Ute." This feels like a betrayal.

This however pales in comparison to the real problem here. These vehicles just don't make sense. They are marketed toward people with no taste, enormous egos, and too much money. Why the Hell would I ever want to travel through the Australian Outback at 180 mph? Why would I want an SUV, a vehicle that should be used for hauling large things in the outdoors, to be filled with hand sewn Italian leather and petrified wood? And don't get me started on the looks. Take this concept Bentley that was unveiled recently.

I would prefer to have many things instead of this Bentley. Making an appearance on that list are things like Polio. It's ugly on a biblical scale, and the people that design it should be made to stare at it for the rest of their natural lives as penance for their crimes. 

So there you have it. These cars are hideous, betray their companies' most loyal customers, and don't really serve any purpose. Oh, and they will all cost you in the 6-figure range.....I'll stick with my Saturn for now.